The Amazing Adventures of Duckyguy

I feel the need to give you advance warning before I start on this story. This is a life changing tale of good versus evil. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll hate me for putting you through it. The non-stop edge-of-your-seat action will have you in tears of joy by the time its over. You'll pee your pants.

WARNING: This story should not be read if you or anyone in your family has had heart problems. Also, this story should not be read if you are pregnant or plan on becoming pregnant within the next 3 years. Possible side effects are diarrhea, drousiness, vomiting, THE CLAP, ALS, excessive growth of body hair, kidney stones, and tooth decay. Side effects appeared in 85% of test subjects over the age of 97 and 34.9% of everyone else except for the homosexual female between the ages of 18-65 where 100% was affected. EMM Inc. does not take resposibility for any unplanned pregnancies or if your dinner is too salty.

[The Hill. 12:15pm.] All I want to do is sit there and eat my damn hamburger. I guess since it is Burger King, they feel they can take their time or something.

Order number 9 is ready.

I sit there staring out at the gray, over-cast sky wondering what the hell the weatherman was talking about this morning when they mentioned the word "sun".

Order number 9 is ready.

I snap back to reality and wonder if that is my order they keep calling over the speaker. I get my receipt out of my coat pocket...#12. Damn.

Order number 9.
Order number 9 is ready.

A guy sitting at a neighboring table says "Is that you order?" I gave him my 'Don't-ever-talk-to-me' look and said, "No." Why do people feel the need to talk to me? Atleast he stopped.

Order number 9. Order number 12.

Eureka! Wait, what happened to 10 & 11 I thought to myself. Who cares? I went and got my food and sat down. I sat there and watched as the guy working behind the counter tried to figure out who order #9 belonged to. Then my attention turned to the neighborly guy try to flirt with the 16 yr old girl that was cleaning up the tables. He was atleast my age. It was sickening.

My, what a boring day for a super hero in disguise. Boy I would love to foil a crime today I thought to myself. (notice that thought was dripping in foreshadowing). I finished my gross piece of heated up psuedo-meat and left. I left behind the nightmarish voice over the speaker pleading for someone to pick up order #9. I left behind the soon-to-be statuatory rapist...but atleast he was friendly. I left behind most of my nausiating french fries.

I walk out and head towards the escalator. I glance up...whats this I ask myself? A day planner. Sitting there unguarded. I look around for someone walking away that might have left it, but all of a suddent the streets were lonely. Even the rain drops stopped. Time stopped. I had considered taking it back into Burger King, but why go back? Why go back to a place where order number 9 is perpetually ready? I glance in the planner and see a girl's handwriting. Maybe this is a chance for a new beginning. Maybe this is the gods of Chance reaching down and blessing me.

I put the planner in my coat pocket and head towards the bus stop.

The bus could not move fast enough. Start-stop. Start-stop. All I wanted to do was go to the friendly confines of the Duck Hole (bka work). I originally had no plans to go into the office. But I would need a phone to call this mysterious woman who misplaced her planner. I get to the office and I had to pee. Bad. But I was excited to rummage through this stranger's stuff too. I did the pee-pee dance the whole way up on the elevator. I thought how I was really hoping there was no secret camera in the elevators. If there is, I just gave the guards something to laugh about. My pee-pee dance looked more like a grand maul seizure than a dance. I hopped off the elevator. Decisions...decisions. To my right...it is Christmas in May. A way to meet a damsel in distress. To my left...a bladder release. Decisions...decisions.

After I was done peeing I went to my desk. I started snooping. Like any good red-blooded bored guy would do. I saw horrible things in there. This couldn't be a future flame of mine. This was pure evil. A tear streamed down my face. I could not believe someone could be so disgusting and evil. This wasn't just anyone's planner...it was Georgia's.

Georgia is the foul temptress who steals people's credit card numbers. I knew this was a job for DUCKYGUY!

So I began the long, pain-staking transmformation to Duckyguy. A whole 2 seconds later, I, as Duckyguy, decided that I need to consult The Oracle. The Oracle said I should take the planner to the proper authorities. I told her that Pedro isn't at his corner today. She said she meant the police. Oh, of course. I knew that.

So I began my odyssey to the Police Station. As soon as I left the building, I knew I was being watched. Fo some reason, I could hear the Mission Impossible theme in the background. I ducked behind bushes. I dove out of the way of the speeding cars. Evil is out there...and it was trying to get me.

At a cross walk, a really cute girl was standing there. I knew she was one of "them". She was sent by the Evil Queen Georgia to tempt me into some dark alley...into the jaws of death. So I walked up to the girl and asked politely asked her to stop trying to kill me. She was unthrilled.

Another evil plot foiled by DUCKYGUY!

The weather changed. Rain poured...in the distance I could hear Mt. Ranier ready to spew a its molten hot volcanic vomit upon the area. I knew I needed to work fast.

I made it the two blocks to the police station. As I ran up the steps the Rocky song played in the background. I knew we would be alright.

Once inside, I told the duty officer (a glorified receptionist for all I could tell) my horrible story. And I quote: "I found this up on Capital Hill today. When I looked through it looking for the owner's name and phone number, I found a bunhc of people's names with credit card numbers and expiration dates. I also saw some receipts in there all with different credit card numbers."

He looked at me puzzled. Maybe because I actually said it all in my native tongue, Swahili.

Well, he took my name and all that crap and said they would have a detective look into it.

HA! Another crime foiled by DUCKYGUY!

When I came out of the police station, birds were chirping. It was sunny. Flowers mysteriously started sprouting. People laughed again. I knew all was well with the world, until I heard a demonic voice "I'll get you my pretty...and your little dog too!" Wait, that was someone else's dillusion. So I didn't hear any voice, and this is a good thing.

A warning to the evil wrong-doers of Seattle. Watch out, I am always on your tail. I am around every corner. One day you will here a sound coming from outside your bedroom window...and it will be me, rubbing peanut butter all over myself as I watch you sleep. I am your nightmare, evil ones.

All, some, or none of this story is true. You decide for yourself, I don't really care. Go back.