Character / Played By
Troy & Duckyguy / Troy
Stupid Bitch at the Theatre (aka SBAT) / Stupid Bitch at the Theatre
Jammo / James
Security Guard / The SAM Security Guard
Museum Worker / himself
Warren / himself
Cute girl / herself
Cute girl's dumb-shit boyfriend (aka Dumb-Shit) / himself
Really weird guy (aka Weirdo) / himself
Girl's in the row behind Duckyguy (aka Girls) / themselves
Miscellaneous people (aka Dimes) / themselves

So Jammo and I get in line. As far as the eye can see both forward and backwards, all you can see are Dimes.

Dimes (dm) adj. 1. Coins of the United States or Canada worth ten cents.
2. Duckyguy slang for miscellaneous people.
Idioms: a dime a dozen
Overly abundant; commonplace.

The fear hits me. The movie will be sold out...the person before Jammo and I can get in. I just know it will. I can't even deal with this...I could be home a sleep! The guy in front of us turns and says "I know the cut-off will happen right before me." I can't believe how comforting it was to know that someone is as paranoid as me! I just smirked at him and said "Probably."

We get to within 5 people of paying, and two guys just cut in front of Jammo and behind me. One guy, all 5'5" of him smelled like a Jack Daniels bottle. He was carrying a boomerang, wearing an Atari t-shirt. And boy, he was loud...and drunk. The other guy was quiet, more humble. The drunk boomerang guy left and the quiet guy stayed in front of Jammo. I did hear him apologize to Jammo...saying that the little drunk one was the director of the film. For some reason, I wasn't surprised. We paid...and went in.

Finding a seat was a pain in the donkey. The place was almost full, and we had to settle with the left side seats fourth row from the front. At this point, the seating chart was as follows:

Now Cute Girl seemed nice enough, and I do remember thinking to myself:

DAAAAAMMMMNNNN! She's finer than a mo'-fo'

Her Dumb-Shit boyfriend did not seem to enthused about being there. Well the open seat between Cute Girl and I was the very last open seat open in the theatre. Thats where Stupid Bitch at the Theatre (SBAT) was forced to sit. When SBAT arrived, thats where the games began.

The SBAT sat there quietly until Warren got up on stage to do the introduction. While Warren was talking, this...this...thing that God wishes he could take back began talking. Not just talking, but being the rudest person I have seen this side of IT.*

*Due to a harrassment seminar I was forced to take at work today, I will refrain from using IT's real name because IT might actually see this story and IT would probably be offended that I don't actually consider IT an human being. And I could see this story being used against me because IT is the kind of know-it-all slut monger that would complain to get me fired. So I will end this section by saying that IT needs to quit wearing tight shirts and short shorts because I almost fucking vomited my Cheerios today!

Warren then pulled out a t-shirt rolled up in a bag and through it out to the crowd (sort of like a promotional thing I suppose). Well the reaction to this was refreshing because it didn't involve how much Seattle movies suck:
SBAT: That was pot! I bet that was pot! Everyone in Seattle smokes pot. Thats all they do is smoke pot.

SBAT kept saying stuff like this. Especially about how horrible these films are. Through the whole little trailer session and while Warren was talking. I finally looked at her and spoke. The conversation was both enlightening and disheartening:
Troy: You can leave you know.
SBAT: I can't. I'm a film director. I have to watch stuff like this.
Troy: Riiiiiiight.

It was at that point, that I knew this lady was off her rocker. Now I realize that the line between reality & fantasy...or even genius & crazy...is a fine one. But this lady not only has stepped over the line into crazy and fantasy, but she did a world record long jump over it. Not only that, she didn't even break a sweat doing it.

The complete nonsense spewing out of her face was starting to drawn the attention of the people around us. The SBAT would not shut up about how much Seattle and movies suck. Over and over. Cute girl turned to her and spoke up:
Cute Girl: Are you going to be complaining for the next two hours?
SBAT: Yes I am. You should leanr how to dress. bleah bleah slut bleah bleah parents bleah bleah slut slut slut

I sat there dumbfounded. Cute Girl was almost in tears. Her Dumb-Shit boyfriend did not offer his girlfriend and support on the verbal assault from the SBAT (thats why he has the chracter name of Dumb-Shit). It was kind of sickening to watch. After SBAT finally turned her attention to....I dunno, the voices in her head...Cute Girl and Dumb-Shit switched seats.

SBAT's ramblings were getting comments from the rows around us now. The Girls would throw their 2-cents in "Shut up!" and "Why don't you be quiet." The Weirdo in front of me pleads for the lady to shut up...and actually cracks a joke that makes me laugh.
Weirdo: Maybe she's pissed of because she kind of...has a mullet. Look at it.
So I looked at it, and laughed.

By this time, there was a steady flow of "Shut ups!" coming in on this lady because she was just incessively complaining about Seattle. Then, the magic began:
SBAT: I am going to have you all arrested for harrassment. You all are harrassing me.

(I must say, I was pleased she said "you all" instead of "y'all")

She then pulled out her cell phone and held it in front of me and pressed '9'. I immediately pressed '1'. She then just sat there and looked at her phone.

I was scared at this point for three reasons:

• That was the boldest move that Troy and can do without transforming to Duckyguy. I was on the edge...about to transform. All I wanted to do was watch a movie about mullets...not foil crime and fight evil.
• It became clear to me that anyone...and I mean anyone...can get a cell phone now-a-days! And that scares me.
• I opened a can of worms that I couldn't close with a complete nutbag

I thought we had reached an understanding. She would talk, I would say shut up and then she would sit there quiet for a few minutes. I thought this woul dbe the end of it. I thought we were the ying and the yang of the theatre. The good and the bad (she was the ugly too!). The cause and effect. Thats the way it should have been. We were in equilibrium.

Well her comments got more drawn out and she stopped listening to my command to Shut Up. I began thinking about how to get her debarked. Well the more she talked...and what she talked about was very disturbing. She kept saying that she wanted to see "the sex and the heroin." Over and over...she wanted to know where the sex and the heroin in the move were.

I would like to think this was some sort of metaphor for something. But it can't be...she just wanted to see a porno version of Trainspotting obviously.

So she was getting more and more shut up comments. More and more. Well she then says to the three rows that are telling her to shut up that its a free country and she can talk during the movie if she wants. Then this (fill in blank with the adjective of your choice) decides to piss me off really bad.

She leans over and in my ear says:
SBAT: I am trying to enjoy the movie so I would appreciate it if you stop laughing so loud in my ear.

Thats it. That was the clincher. The transformation had begun. Here comes Duckyguy and he is really pissed off. I handed my CD carrier to Jammo (who apparently had no idea what was going on!) and stood up. I looked at her:
Duckyguy: Thats it, I am going to go complain.
SBAT: Don't step on my stuff! Watch out for my stuff!!!

She was referring to her purse/water bottle/sanity that she had down by her feet. I quickly realized that she wasn't going to move her shit so I could get by...so I did the only thing any pissed off super hero with super strength would do...

That is all you could hear as my foot stomped down on her purse/sanity/water bottle. I squeezed my way past SBAT, Dumb-Shit, and Cute Girl. I leaned down and whispered to Cute Girl that I was going to go have the lady thrown out. She was the one that looked most upset about this lady, so I thought she would appreciate it most.

I go into the lobby and see two museum workers there talking. I told them the situation and one of them called for the security guard on the walkie talkie. As we waited for the security guard, I told the museum workers that she kept on jabbering about heroin and sex. The ever-so-witty worker replied:
Museum Worker: Maybe if we gave her some heroin and there was sex in the movie, she would shut up.

I pretty grinned and nodded. I figured that I needed these guys on my side right at that moment, so I wasn't going to bring up the fact of how horribly bad that joke was.

The security guard comes strolling in. He was walking with a certain swagger you only see in bad-ass guys. Kind of like a gunfighter with too many bullets. I explained to him the situation inside the theatre:
Security Guard: Did you ask her to leave?
Duckyguy: Ummm...does that matter?
Security Guard: Yes, I can't ask her to leave until someone else does
Duckyguy: Ummm...I know I asked her to shut up! I have to ask her if she wants to leave?
Security Guard: Yeah and if she doesn't then I can go ask her to leave.
Duckyguy: OK, either I will be right back or she will be.

(damn the SAM and their "rules" for kicking people out!)

I went back down to the seats and had the following thrilling and enlightening conversation:
Duckyguy: Do you want to leave?
SBAT: Who are you?
Duckyguy: Do you want to leave?
SBAT: Do you work here?
Duckyguy: Do you want to leave?
SBAT: Are you the one who sits next to me? You have a problem man. I am going to call the cops...
Duckyguy: (cutting her off) I'll be right back

Back up the isle I went to go to get the guard. We had a brief planning session. I suggested an attack from the left flank with the archers attacking from the front. He just asked what happened though, didn't really want to hear about my thoughts on an attack. I told him that she threatened to call the cops on me.

He followed me down the isle and I showed him the SBAT. She immediately started saying that I was the trouble maker and the problem. Thats when the Weirdo, Girls, and Dimes started sticking up for me. They all told him that she was the problem. So he escorted her out.

As she past by, her last words were:
SBAT: I'm melting. I'm melting.

No wait...wrong witch...she really told me that I was a loser as she walked by. The whole section of the theatre cheered. It was nice.

After the movie, Cute Girl pulled me aside and said thnk you. I wanted to tell her that her Dumb-Shit should have been the one standing up against the SBAT...but I guess he just isn't a super-hero, now is he? I also got some thank yous from miscellaneous people that was sitting around us.

Afterwards, Jammo told me that when I crunched the SBAT's stuff and walked away, she pulled out her cell phone and pressed '9' and then just sat there and looked at it. Apparently, my earlier press of '1' wasn't needed....because she couldn't find the '1' key.

The names in this story have been changed to protect the stupid. Except for Stupid Bitch at the Theatre, that is actually her God-given name.

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