All those dark, brooding, monosyllabic types who fill the pages of cheap romance novels with their square jaws and piercing eyes are Scorpios. You know the story: Boy Meets girl. Boy tortures girl because of a series of very silly misunderstandings and because he enjoys it. Girl becomes a psychological wreck. Boy sweeps girl into his arms and mumbles something about undying love. (He has to sweep her into his arms because by this stage the poor woman has completely fallen apart.)
This is where the book ends. There is a very good reason for this. Harlequin knows that what is to come is far too awful to be published.
Yet this paperback ideal of love still manages to override the common sense of most women. We find the strong, silent, manipulative type irresistible. And we sit prettily on our hope chests with our long auburn curls in charming disarray, waiting breathlessly with much fluttering of eyelashes for Scorpio to stride into our lives. N.B. Romantic heroes never walk, they always stride—manfully and purposefully. It’s dreadfully tiring for them and it is one of the reasons why they are so moody and irritable.
And once a Scorpio bastard arrives? Well, there’s nothing like a spot of good old-fashioned bodice ripping to get things started. Just swoon gracefully into his arms and let him have his way with you. Then have your head examined. The strong, silent type is what you should look for when purchasing major appliances. These are desirable attributes in a washing machine, not in a man. And we guarantee you won’t enjoy them in Scorpio.
He is strong. Much stronger than you. Which means when there’s a fight, you’ll lose. And he is silent. Which means communication within the relationship is going to be a little strained and one-sided. Holding back information is actually one of his favorite pastimes. Mostly because it upsets you.
What did you expect? Anyone described as dark and brooding is not going to be a naturally open, caring, sharing person. And Scorpio has a dark side that makes Darth Vader look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. He’ll hold a grudge against you until the day you die. (Your death will only appease him a little.)
However, you’ll never even know he has a grudge against you. Say you flirt harmlessly with a colleague of his at the office Christmas party. It won’t cross your mind that Scorpio is upset about it until one fine day three years later when he retaliates by sleeping with your maid of honor and your sister just hours before he marries you. Scorpio will wait—decades if necessary—for the chance to get his revenge when you’re not paying attention.
Unfortunately, because of the amount of literature (if books featuring men in tight breeches on the cover count as literature) you’ve absorbed, you’ll class all his behavior as normal. You’ll revel in all the angst. Being miserable all the time must mean it’s true love. This is all so romantic. You’ll even be flattered by his possessiveness (despite the fact that you’re not allowed to go anywhere or see anyone) as it means he can’t bear to be without you. Of course, he can’t bear to be with you either—not while you are still capable of independent thought and action. But don’t worry, you won’t be capable for much longer.
Scorpio will manipulate you until you become exactly what he wants you to be. Then he’ll lose respect for you since you’re so easily manipulated. Then he’ll start looking around for someone else to manipulate. This is when you should start looking around too—for reputable psychiatric help. Because, in the midst of torturing you, Scorpio will suddenly turn into a model of gentleness and consideration. He’ll even be kind to animals (standard behavior for all romantic hero types—designed to suck you into believing they have a soft, sensitive side). Don’t be fooled. It’s just part of the callous game he’s playing with your mental and emotional health. His objective is to annihilate you. But if he can make you believe his is incapable of such an act, it makes it so much more fun when he actually does destroy you.
And he will destroy you. It’s what Scorpio does best. And besides, it’s how he likes to spend his spare time. Once you are a broken mess on the floor he’ll pick you up and glue you back together so you’re whole once more and he can start all over again.
He takes his hobby very seriously. It brings him hours of enjoyment and allows him to explore his destructive talents. And you’ll get something out of it too. A hobby of your own: a life-long obsession with him—the worse he treats you the more you’ll like him. Why, we don’t know. Needless to say you’ll be spending all your spare time in expensive twelve-step programs undergoing extensive counseling.
Check into group therapy when you find yourself getting upset just because he is sleeping with other women. It’s really none of your business. You are only his wife/girlfriend/mother of his children. And anyway, you’ll meet his mistress soon enough when she joins the group after she discovers he’s doing the same thing to her. Then you can console each other about your mutual stupidity. You’ll both be introduced to a nationwide Unhealthily Obsessed Codependent Support Network for women who have dated Scorpio. It comes compete with a twenty-four-hour hotline, one of many sponsored by the Aspiring Romantic Novelists Association who use it for research purposes.)
The reason Scorpio inspires such obsessive behavior is because he is so obsessive himself—about sex. He thinks about it twice as much as other men, which basically means it’s on his mind all the time. Which makes him a complete pervert. Which for some strange reason makes women think he’s sexy. Which therefore means he really can’t help having sex with any women who’ll let him. (Warning: Don’t be tempted to have an affair yourself to get back at your Scorpio bastard. Right now, you’re in no emotional state to witness a jealous streak the size of the San Andreas Fault. This is probably unnecessary advice as you won’t have time between those ever-increasing therapy sessions and the compulsive shopping habit you recently developed. And let’s face it, the nervous twitch and chronic alcoholism aren’t exactly going to be attracting men in droves.)
You can’t win. You will never, ever win. Scorpio won’t let you. And you can’t leave, as he won’t let you do that either. All you can do is keep going to therapy and continue to blame yourself. After all, you’re the crazy, codependent one with a thing for sadistic bastards.
(Advice: If, even after reading this chapter, you still want to experience what it feels like to have a relationship with a Scorpio bastard, find a busy freeway and throw yourself under a large truck. It will feel just like dating a Scorpio bastard but will be comparatively less painful.)
How to Spot One
When a Scorpio bastard looks at you, you will feel a strong urge to shed your underwear. He will have this baffling effect upon you even if you’re in a very public place and you find him most unattractive.
Where to Find One
Follow the trail of emotional wrecks to his door. Or better still, let him find you. Because, then at least, you won’t be the one who started the relationship that ruined your life.
How to Intrigue One
Be sunny and happy and full of life. He won’t be able to resist the challenge of luring you to the pits of hell. Once there, just be whatever he wants you to be. Holding on to your personality will only cause you a lot of unnecessary pain.
The First Date
Scorpio will charm you into submission. Or else he’ll worm his way into your life and affections without you noticing—like cancer or some other terminal disease. And after just one date, he’ll know everything there is to know about you and you’ll know absolutely nothing about him. This sets the tone for the entire relationship.
When to Do the Deed
Because Scorpio has so many hidden agendas, you’ll never be able to pick the right time. So go to bed when he wants to, generally just after you’ve been introduced. (Tip: When you do it, make like a porn star but somehow give the impression you’ve never done it before.)
When to Pop the Question
If you feel the inclination to do this, have yourself committed.
If He Dumps You
Trying to exact revenge will only serve to amuse Scorpio, as your attempts will seem so amateurish. Besides, he’ll be flattered he still has total control over your emotions and your life. One the other hand, running after him doing your best impersonation of a doormat will only invite him to clean his boots on you. Don’t waste your energy. You’ll need it over the next few years just to get through therapy.
If You Dump Him
He’ll get over it. If, however, he thinks you’ve slighted him, it’s best to watch out for yourself and take extra precautions for the next ten or twenty years. At least.